


Eddie Kaspbarak Hinting He Wants To Get Married For * Minutes Straight

by Rosalee_Kenneth



Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [8]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bisexual Bill Denbrough, But If That's Your Kink, Eddie Is Such A Groomzilla, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, F/M, Famous Beverly Marsh, Famous Bill Denbrough, Famous Richie Tozier, Fluff, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Humor, Instagram, Kinda Weird, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out In Front Of Your Friends, Multimedia, Oblivious Richie Tozier, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Stan Is Having A Field Day, TikTok, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Twitter, YouTube, but then he's not, prove me wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23865928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Kenneth/pseuds/Rosalee_Kenneth
Summary: Bill: [offscreen] This is so unfair! Eddie’s in a relationship and yet he still gets hit on. Where’s my prince slash princess in shing armor?Stan: [offscreen] We get it—you’re bi and horny, continue reading his lips.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611139
Comments: 36
Kudos: 312





	Eddie Kaspbarak Hinting He Wants To Get Married For * Minutes Straight

**Author's Note:**

> God, this idea has been fucking me right in the head for sooo long and now...well, I'm really proud of it. I think It moonlights Richie and Eddie's relationship in a way that I haven't yet done in this series. Please tell me what you think about it.  
> [Side note: I have a bit of a risky idea for my next fic. You'll get why later. I just really enjoy the idea of **** and **** doing *** *****]

**Eddie Hinting He Wants To Get Married For * Minutes Straight**

**4.7M views**

[Ben, Eddie, Mike, and Stan Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questioned on WIRED]

*Eddie peels off the scrap of paper to reveal ‘Is Eddie Kaspbarak married?’*

 **Eddie:** Uh…no, I’m not married. Very much not. I am, however, in a relationship with the comedian himself, Richie Tozier. Yeah, we’ve been together for about 3 years 9 months and 13 days, but you know that’s irrelevant. I mean, would I like to get married…ideally yes, but if Richie doesn’t want to then I’m 100% ok with that. Um…yeah, I’m just a 40-year-old man in a gay relationship that hasn’t escalated at all in over a year. But that’s fine, I’m soooo ok with that. Marriage is all just a heteronormative sham anyway. So, yeah…I’m not married. Nor am I engaged, but like I said, I’m fine with that. Yeah…uh…next question.

*Ben, Mike, and Stan all grimace and cringe accordingly*

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Story]

*Beverly’s camera zooms in on Eddie’s computer screen*

*The computer screen shows several images of groom and groom cake toppers*

*Eddie is staring longingly at the screen*

***

[Bill’s Instagram Livestream]

*Beverly, Bill, and Stan are all onscreen fiddling around and such*

*There are distant voices arguing in the background*

 **Richie:** [offscreen] Why do you care so much about Channing Tatum getting engaged to man!

 **Eddie:** [offscreen] Because I think it’s really sweet that he’s coming to terms with his sexuality!

 **Richie** : [offscreen] Why do I feel like there’s an ulterior motive then?

 **Eddie** : [offscreen] You’re digging too deep into this!

 **Richie** : [offscreen] Really? The first words that came out of your mouth when I walked into the room were ‘Wow, isn’t is crazy that another gay man in Hollywood got engaged’!

 **Eddie** : [offscreen] I’m very into gay Hollywood right now, sue me!

 **Richie** : [offscreen] Eds, if you want to get—

 **Eddie** : [offscreen] No, I don’t! How many fucking times do I need to say it? I am very happy with our current relationship and there is no need to advance it! I love you!

*Eddie storms into the screen and sits down next to Beverly*

 **Eddie** : What did I miss?

***

[Eddie, Stan, Ben, and Mike on their podcast ‘Not Famous’]

 **Stan** : This question comes in from @dorianrivers who asks ‘Eddie, if you want to get married so badly then why don’t you just ask Richie yourself?’.

*Ben, Mike, and Stan all cringe and grimace accordingly*

 **Eddie** : [trying hard to act natural when he’s really a hot pot ready to go off] Well, Dorian—I don’t want to get married ‘so badly’, ok? I just think the idea of marriage is…nice. And I won’t propose to Richie because he doesn’t want to get married and neither do I. If he wants to propose then of course I’d say yes, but that’s not gonna happen, Dorian, because I am so fucking comfortable with my relationship with Richie in this current moment.

***

[Mike’s Instagram Livestream]

*Mike is filming Eddie talking to a hot stranger in a bar*

*Stan and Bill are also there*

 **Stan** : [offscreen] What’s he saying?

 **Bill** : [offscreen] Shut up! I’m trying to read his lips.

 **Stan** : [offscreen] Since when have you been able to read lips?

 **Bill** : [offscreen] I dunno…it’s a party trick. Ooh! Sexy McStranger just asked Eddie if he was single.

 **Mike** : [offscreen] Oh, snap.

 **Stan** : [offscreen] Shit is getting real.

 **Bill** : [offscreen] This is so unfair! Eddie’s in a relationship and yet he still gets hit on. Where’s my prince slash princess in shing armor?

 **Stan** : [offscreen] We get it—you’re bi and horny, continue reading his lips.

*Mike zooms his camera in to show Eddie flashing his ringless left hand to Sexy McStranger*

 **Bill** : [offscreen] Eddie said that he’s engaged. Then Sexy McStranger—

 **Stan** : [offscreen] Can’t you give him any other name?

 **Bill** : [offscreen] No, shut up. Sexy McStranger called Eddie the fuck out and said that he had no ring on his finger.

 **Mike** : [offscreen] Fuck.

*Eddie blushes and starts to babble unintelligibly*

 **Bill** : [offscreen] Eddie’s now going on a whole tangent about how he’s in a “very strong and passionate” with his current partner.

*Sexy McStranger stops Eddie’s rant and suggestively hands him a drink*

 **Stan** : [offscreen] God, this guy is good.

 **Bill** : [offscreen] Oh, fuck. Sexy McStranger said that if Eddie was with him then he would give him the ring he really wants.

 **Mike** : [offscreen] Are we in a rom-com right now? This is not how real life actually works.

*Eddie is now babbling very aggressively to Sexy McStranger who is just staring at him amused*

 **Bill:** [offscreen] Eddie’s now just talking about his whole “situation” on marriage.

 **Stan** : [offscreen] We’ve heard this before, let’s wrap it u—

***

[@beaverly on Tik Tok]

caption: If you ever want to know how to get Eddie to leave you alone 

*Beverly, Bill, Ben, Stan, and Mike are on a sofa with mischievous looks on their faces*

*Eddie is also on the couch checking his phone*

 **Bill** : [pretending to check his phone] Eddie, do you hear about Channing Tatum getting engaged to that male model from GayBoy Magazine?

 **Eddie** : [failing to act casual] Yeah, no—I heard about. Wow, I mean it’s crazy like…everyone’s getting married and um…having kids. It’s just…a grand ol’ time in Hollywood, isn’t it?

 **Beverly** : I hear Brad Pitt is also getting re-married.

 **Eddie** : Again? Shit, that must be like his 3rd marriage. Good…for…him.

 **Stan** : Wait, isn’t Emma Stone also getting married?

 **Mike** : Yeah, I think heard that from somewhere.

 **Eddie** : You know…this is such a great conversation. I just have go step outside real quick.

*Eddie storms off outside*

*distant and muffled screaming is heard*

***

> **Kate Brown @kathwrenbrown**
> 
> Richie can be THAT oblivious to Eddie’s obvious fantasy of getting married. Can he?

> **Eddie Kaspbarak @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> _replying to @kathwrenbrown_
> 
> You’d be surprised

***

> **Kate Brown @kathwrenbrown**
> 
> Richie can be THAT oblivious to Eddie’s obvious fantasy of getting married. Can he?

> **Eddie Kaspbarak @dontcallme_eds**
> 
> _replying to @kathwrenbrown_
> 
> [tweet deleted]

> **Kate Brown @kathwrenbrown**
> 
> I’m not the only one who saw that tweet, right?

***

[Ben’s Instagram Livestream]

*Ben is on one knee while all the Losers are surrounding around him and eating Indian takeout*

 **Ben** : Beverly Marsh, will you marry me?

 **Beverly** : [swallowing her Paneer Tikka Masala] You couldn’t have done this when I’m not covered in Naan grease?

 **Ben** : You both know that this is the exact way you want to get engaged.

 **Beverly** : I mean…true.

 **Richie** : What the actual fuck is happening?

 **Mike** : Ben is being lazy fuck and proposing to Beverly in Stan’s apartment.

 **Ben** : So, Beverly…will you be my January Fire forever?

 **Bill** : God, this is so corny.

 **Beverly** : Shut up, Bill! And yes, Ben, I’ll be your main bitch.

 **Stan** : Pretty sure that wasn’t what he said—

 **Eddie** : Wow, this is really sweet, but I have a call coming…from my mom and I just HAVE to take it. Um…congrats, guys. Can’t wait for the wedding.

*Eddie storms off outside*

*distant and muffled screaming is heard*

 **Ben** : You think he bought that?

 **Stan** : He’s screaming his lungs out there, so I’d say yeah.

 **Richie** : [clearly confused] Wait, what?

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Story]

*Richie and Eddie are on the sofa looking at a magazine*

 **Richie** : Why are we looking at flower arrangements, Eds. I mean we’re gay, but we’re not that gay.

 **Eddie** : I just think it’s nice for us to look at flowers as a couple.

 **Richie** : Ok, sure, but why is the magazine called My Homosexual Nuptials then?

*Beverly lets out a stifled snort behind the camera*

***

[Bill’s Instagram Story]

*Bill is scrolling through Eddie’s Pinterest boards until he finds one called ‘Reddie Wedding’*

 **Bill** : [offscreen] There’s over 4,300 pins on this board.

 **Mike** : [offscreen] Man, Eddie’s so fucking hooked, isn’t he?

 **Bill** : [offscreen] The sub-board of Reddie Wedding called ‘Reddie Reception’ sure says so.

***

[@BisexualBilliam on Tik Tok]

caption: maybe we’re bad friends…

**Beverly** : [purposely drops her ring] Oh, shoot!

 **Richie** : Hey, don’t worry I got it.

*Richie kneels on the floor to pick up the ring

 **Mike** : [offscreen] I swear Eddie, it’s an emergency—

*Eddie and Mike suddenly enter the frame*

*Eddie stands in shock at Richie on one knee holding a ring*

 **Eddie** : [with the biggest smile on his face] Oh my God! It’s finally happening! Yes, Richie I will marr—

 **Richie** : [breaking the moment] Woah, Eds, um…this is Beverly’s ring. She dropped it and I…picked it up for her.

 **Eddie** : [literally about to cry] Yeah, um…yeah. I gotta go…do the taxes…

*Eddie storms off outside*

*distant and muffled screaming is heard*

 **Stan** : [offscreen] You guys suck.

***

[First Time Interviewer Jessika Patrick Interviews the Cast Behind Not Famous]

 **Jessika** : I’m joined here with Mike Hanlon, Stanley Uris, Ben Hanscom, and Eddie Tozier, the people behind the number one comedy podcast of the year.

*Mike, Stan, and Ben all stare at Eddie, expecting him to say his real last name*

*Eddie just looks like he’s in a daze*

*Viewers could’ve sworn they heard him mouth Eddie Tozier with a dreamy smile*

***

[Beverly’s Instagram Story]

*Richie and Eddie are watching The Fosters*

*Eddie looks notably angry*

 **Richie** : Isn’t is beautiful that Steph put all her doubts and insecurities behind just so she could give Lena her ultimate wish and marry her? And also, the fact that Steph went through this huge tragedy which led her to make her decision. God, you just can’t fake that type of love.

 **Eddie** : [gritting his teeth] Yep.

***

[Richie’s Instagram Story]

*Richie is in a sparkly gold suit and the Losers are surrounding him in formal attire*

*A door opens offscreen and Eddie enters the frame*

 **Eddie** : What’s going on? Did I miss a party or something?

 **Richie** : Do you know what day it is, Eds?

 **Eddie** : Uh…Thursday?

 **Richie** : It’s the 3rd of May aka the day I met you.

 **Eddie** : [confused] Are we celebrating…

 **Richie:** Eds, the day that we met I knew that I loved you. You know I hate clichés, but it was quite literally love at first sight. Ever since that day, you’ve always been there for me. We fought a fucking clown together for fuck’s sake. You’re my better half, Eds, you always have been. I physically can’t imagine my life without you in it.

*Eddie looks as if he’s holding his breath*

 **Richie** : I’m a lot of things, Eddie, an idiot is one of them. But I’m not that big of an idiot to not marry you when you’ve been the only constant in my life for over 40 years. I’m also not that big of an idiot to not know that you’re not that slick when it comes to hiding your true feelings.

*Eddie gasps as Richie pulls out a ring box from his breast pocket*

 **Eddie** : [tears slowly forming] But you said…

 **Richie** : I say a lot of shit, Eds, we both know that. This, however, is anything but shit.

*Richie kneels down one knee in front of Eddie and opens the ring box to reveal a silver band with the word Loser on it with a ‘v’ going over the ‘s’.

 **Richie** : Eddie Spaghetti, Eds, Eddie…will you marry me?

 **Eddie** : [crying tears of happiness] YES, YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE! Yes, I’ll fucking marry you.

*Eddie pulls Richie up by his lapels before crashing their mouths together*

*The Losers are cheering and clapping in the background

*Stan is very much crying*

*Richie and Eddie are still making out even though the moment’s kinda passed*

 **Beverly** : [coughs]

*Richie and Eddie are still making out*

 **Mike** : Can we eat the engagement cake now?

 **Bill** : If they’re getting their dessert then it’s only fair we get ours.

*Richie and Eddie are now moaning loudly between kisses*

 **Ben** : Can we turn this off before they start fucking?

***

**Thanks for Watching**

**Comments:**

**Angelika:**

Whoop—there goes my heart

_792 likes_

**Phil’s Eyelash:**

Stan crying during Richie’s proposal is one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen

_1.2k likes_

**Bill Hader Lover:**

“We get it, you’re bi and horny”

-reason why I love Stan #34749

_2k likes_

**Julianne Hansel:**

Why does Eddie lowkey suck at having any source of chill. God, I love him.

_992 likes_

**Joan Applebaum:**

Richie proposing in a golden suit is exactly what I expected from him.

_4.6k likes_

**Victorie:**

The biggest takeaway I got from this video is that Channing Tatum is gay

_2.9k likes_

**The Femme Bot:**

If they don’t livestream the wedding, then what is the actual point?

_1.7k likes_

**Fatal & Fucking Sad:**

When👏Is👏The👏Benverly👏Proposal👏Tho

_1.3k likes_

**JK, They’re Fucking Gay:**

Some of you didn’t cry when Richie fucking put a ring on Eddie and it shows

_5.3k likes_

**r/IMHEREFORTHECULTSTUFF:**

Not gonna lie, Bill’s bisexual whining was my favorite part of this video

_7.1k likes_

**Author's Note:**

> Send Suggestions, you Sexy McStrangers  
> \--Your Prince/Princess in Shining Armor


End file.
